Quiet! Keep your head down. No flashlights. Remember “Jo Ann
Castle"....
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From The Manitoba Herald , Canada
By Clive Runnels
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop
the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an
exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt,
pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their
fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was
a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . “The producer was cold,
exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range
chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to
show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that
blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he
said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much
that they wouldn't give any milk.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them
across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves. "A
lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an
Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single
bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley
Cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been
circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals
will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the
border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy
cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in blue
wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and
quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to
prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the
accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about
their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore
movies "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian
economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many
art history majors does one country need?"
OK, OK, your pulse is pounding, I know….here’s the splash of
cold water:
The Manitoba Herald was last published in the late 19th
century, and it seems that Clive Runnels is a pseudonym. The original source of
this droll spoof is unknown.
I offer it as a wry commentary on current events.
And in case this will help you out: the name of Lawrence Welk’s honky-tonk piano
player was Jo Ann Castle.
Copyright © Richard Carl Subber 2014
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